Either Rudy Giuliani is a real-life version of The Simpson’s Monty Burns and he’s so physically fragile the wind could knock the wind out of him, or he’s being dramatic as hell about a simple slap on the back he received from some random guy who called him a “scumbag.”
According to HuffPost, it all happened at a campaign event at the ShopRite store on Staten Island for Giuliani’s son, Andrew Giuliani, who is running for mayor of NYC, a position once held by his father, the Batman villain who got run out of Gotham because even the Caped Crusader wasn’t with that stop-and-frisk sh**. (Plus, they already had a Penguin.) It was all caught on video, of course.
Now, again, to be fair, maybe Rudy Giuliani possesses the same amount of strength and durability as the richest man in Springfield. Giuliani wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight because the grape would probably break the termite and white supremacy rot-infested wooden twigs that are his fingers. Giuliani would probably sprain his wrist playing air guitar. He’s a walking exoskeleton who would report you as armed and dangerous if you walked by him with a fly swatter. Remember when he was caught on camera with some kind of brown ooze leaking from his scalp? The wasn’t hair dye—it was his paper mache brain being crushed under the weight of his thin layer of hair follicles. Rudy Giuliani’s insides are just a collection of Mitch McConnell’s extra chins and Donald Trump’s toupee glue backup supply.
Giuliani is weak AF is all I’m saying.
Of course, to hear him tell it, it was him being in “pretty good shape” that saved his life from the back-slap that the video shows caused him zero harm.
“All of the sudden I feel a shot on my back, like somebody shot me. I went forward but luckily I didn’t fall down,” Giuliani said on The Curtis Silwa Show. “Lucky I’m a 78-year-old in pretty good shape because if I wasn’t I’d’ve hit the ground and probably cracked my skull.”
Giuliani’s son also tried to make the slap on the back sound like a whole Rodney King beating.
“Innocent people are attacked in today’s New York all of the time. This particular incident hit very close to home,” Andrew said in a statement. “The assault on my father, America’s Mayor, was over politics. We will not be intimidated by left-wing attacks.”
Anyway, the NYPD told Axios the 39-year-old grocery store worker who committed the attack Giuliani claimed “almost knocked me down,” was arrested and will face a second-degree assault charge.
Meanwhile, here’s live footage of Giuliani trying to crush an ant.
Apparently, his white fragility has overtaken his entire body. Sad.